Too Tired

I have been too tired lately. It's an ongoing, chronic problem lately. Driving is becoming a hazard. I get enough sleep, I'm even using my CPAP every night. But I still can't shake the tiredness that comes over me. My knees hurt. I'm sure that losing weight will fix them, but I can't seem to make the weight loss continue, no last. I keep thinking it's going to be different, but yet it never is.

Lost

I find myself feeling lost lately. I seem to be losing touch with my friends. I don't care much about my home life. I swear, if I didn't have the scrapbooking commitment, I would just go home and curl up every night. I just find I don't care about very much.

My friends aren't very supportive, but to be fair, I have not asked for their support. I guess I assume that they know I'm struggling, which is wrong, but dang it, do I really have to run around telling people "I'm a basket case, help me, my son died and I don't know what to do, where to go, who to talk to, where I can find some kind of comfort, do you even care?"?

One of my friends, I never received even a sympathy card. They came to the house for about 15 minutes the day he died. They came to the funeral. That's pretty much the extent of it. We have done different things this past year to honor Stephen, this friend has not supported any of it. We bought t-shirts, she didn't. It's ok not to buy a t-shirt, but she could have been at the walk. That was free. Sometimes just "showing up" is all that is needed.

Over the past year I have made new friends in ways I had not expected. These friends do not replace my "old friends", but they are special too. One of them in particular, has become very special. She has lifted me up in more ways than she could ever even begin to know.

On Stephen's birthday, Kristin & Michael gave me a giant frog. He is handmade, carved from a log. He's holding what I thought was a tablet, but it's a lily pad, on which is engraved "In Memory of Stephen Opfer". That is so sweet of them. And so very, very unexpected!

Well, the weekend came and went. My friend got married, it was a pretty wedding, very country. She looked very happy. Everything came together well.

On the flip side, this was the one year anniversary of my son's death. I put it this way to my GTU group on June 22nd, "One year ago yesterday I lost my heart, one year ago today I found out." To e, that really sums up how I've been feeling.

The wedding was hard, but for more than one reason. I didn't feel like I fit in. Everything was ok, just a gentle reminder that I'm an outsider. It seemed like every time I turned around leading up to the big day, I had responsibility taken away. Every time I thought I had something to do, it was given to someone else. I am creative and artistic, but I never got much of a chance to use it. I think I am the bride's best friend, yet I was not in the wedding. I was asked, but it was put to me this way, "You don't want to be in the wedding do you?". My response was, "Well I guess not".  I wonder why she didn't want me in it? It's been nagging at me ever since. But do I speak up, oh no, I just pout about it and keep it to myself. Instead of saying how I feel, I act like it doesn't affect me. But all these little things start to compound, and after a while, it just grows. Resentment and hurt feelings have no place in friendship. I was also hurt that the wedding was on the anniversary of my son's death. It was the single most worst day of my life when he died. The official date of death was June 21 at 1159pm, but to me, it's both days.

I have not weighed in or been to a meeting since the middle of May. Soon, I need to get myself back together.........

Enough for tonight, though.

Time Lapse

I have not been to a WW meeting or a weigh in since the end of May. I'm just struggling to get by and survive this weekend. I plan to try to pull out of this depression and get back to life after this weekend. I hope I am strong enough. Stephen's death will be a year ago on Saturday. I miss him so much and it's about all I can handle. Also, one of my dearest friends is getting married Sunday. It's so confusing. I am happy for her, but I am so sad. Does that make sense? Probably not, but I know what I mean. My eating is completely out of control, my nails are beyond short - Jamberry probably can't even help them now! - my skin is breaking out, and I'm not sleeping well again. There's so much to do, but I can't seem to make myself do it.

Vacation Without Stephen

Wow, this is the second family vacation without Stephen.He is so much in our thoughts, and we have reminisced and talked about him a lot. His presence is missed deeply. He would really like this trip. The riding has been great, so has the scenery and the trip in general.

Of course, being on vacation added to exercise on a level I'm not used to has led to me being quite hungry at times. The food here has been great, I am so lucky to be married to an excellent chef - or is it unlucky since it always tastes so danged good?!

Tomorrow would be weigh in day, but since I am so far out here in "no man's land", it's not going to happen tomorrow. Next week I'll be back and also back into the old swing of things again.

It's beautiful here in Matewan, WV, but it so HOT between rains. It's hard to believe our vacation time here in West Virginia is coming to a close very soon, Friday morning. But it was so nice to get away and have the family with us.

Well, this weigh in wasn't great

But my attitude IS!!!

I weighed in, my weight is up by 3 pounds. So, what is three pounds, actually?? Well, it is what you make it. If I was to put three pounds of butter in my hand, ew............  If I was to look at what three pounds of lard looks like, again, ew!

Why did I gain all this weight? Well, there is one basic reason, I ate too much and exercised none. Why? Well, right now I'm torn. Half the time I'm feeling sorry for myself, my son, his children, my other children, my husband - pretty much everyone who was affected by Stephen's life. There is such a void, if you will, since his death. Memorial day was horrible. Seeing that wreath with the handpainted word - "DAD" (in Stephen's favorite colors, too) - broke my heart all over again. No little child should have to be in the position to have to do that. If only............ Designated Driver's work, they do save lives!!! Today, I will be going back out to the cemetery, I will tidy up the flowers and other objects left there, and make sure it is ready for them to mow around. I'll bring home some of the excess, and take it back out when the flowers need refreshing. The anniversary date of his death is coming up, it's just around the corner. I can't believe it's been nearly a year. I still think he's going to call me, show up for dinner, text me............ The nightmares are back also.

And then, there's my new endeavor. I have signed on as an independent consultant for Close To My Heart scrapbooking and paper art supplies. It is so fun! I love it. So much cool stuff to play with, excuses for me to craft and play. Who doesn't like that? I'm having such a great time with it. Check my other blog for more information: Dawn's CTMH Blog

Well, that's about it for now, I'm getting ready to leave for vacation really soon. We are going to Kentucky & West Virginia to ride the Hatfield-McCoy Trails!!

So, with every good there is a bad, but with every bad - you can find something to light your way.

Time Flies

Wow, time flies! I hadn't realized I haven't posted on here in a while. My weigh ins are not as good as they have been. I need to start over again, I haven't been counting points and measuring all of my food like I should be. I have not been exercising. I've been down in the dumps. I'm tired. I'm weak. I don't feel like doing anything. 

Depression & Bipolar disorder suck. They literally suck the life out of you sometimes.

Also, I'm really missing Stephen. I had planned to go to the cemetery after work today, but I forgot to grab the flowers and stuff to take out there. 

It seems like I am just getting nowhere right now. My weight is currently at a total loss of 31 pounds. I need to get back on the ball.

Scrapbooking, I've been working on it sporadically. I wanted to work on it some more Sunday, but it was mother's day.

Yesterday I went to the doctor. All my bloodwork came back good. It's been so long since I've heard news like that!

I helped Crystal and she was able to get her wedding invitations sent out this morning. One more step checked off the list.

ALSB Bootcamp Entry - Sparkle

Used ClubScrap papers, I made this layout. I used spellbinders embossing folders. Cut the number five on my cricut. The orange sparkes came from Ice Stickles, Orange Peel.. The happy birthday banner also came from ClubScrap.com. Tim Holtz distress inks were used for inking and stamping.

Weigh in day............ again

Drum roll please, it's weigh in day. It sure seems to come around very fast. I hope I do better than last week. I didn't post, but I gained .8 pounds last week. It seems like things started spiralling out of control again after Kurt's birthday party on the 15th. It made me start feeling Stephen's absence again. Stephen was looking forward to that party so much. It was all he could talk about at times. Only a very small handful of his friends came. I'm sure they are busy moving on with their lives. They are young and have their futures ahead of them. His friend Chad came. He saw the memorial photo and candle, it was hard on him. He didn't stay very long. I completely understand. I am more "desensitized" to that particular photo and candle, I see them EVERY single DAY!! But when something catches me off guard, it hurts like a sonofableep all over again. Back to weigh in. I have not exercised much at all this week. Last week I put in a full two hours, and still gained weight. I need to get back in the habit again. It's so hard sometimes, and other times it just feels natural and normal. My worst problem is that I'm not sleeping well. I've worked some different hours than I'm used to, and I don't like going to bed at night anyhow, so I'm not getting much sleep. One of these days it's going to even out again.

I'm feeling nervous about the weigh in. What will the result be? I've thought about Stephen a lot. I haven't worked on scrapbooking much this week. I've spent too much time in front of the television. That sums up my week.

(note to self)

ALSB Entry - Frames

This weeks entry for Club Scrap, theme of the week is FRAMES:

Week 5 Challenge - Masks or Stencils

I made the mask for this card myself. I used Chipped Sapphire distress ink by Tim Holz and a blending tool to make the hills. I had a tree stamp in my stash, and all the paper is Club Scrap paper.

From "Silent Grief, Child Loss Support"

Losing a child isn't just a bump in the road as some would think. Losing a child is an eternal life-altering happening. And, child loss is not a one-time event. Losing a child is an every day, every hour, every minute event. Our hearts are broken, we have an emptiness that nothing or no one can fill, and our minds are forever on our child. Child loss does not disconnect us from our child -- it draws us even closer. But, the horrible part of this is we cannot touch our child, we cannot talk face-to-face with our child, we cannot experience the daily interactions with our child since child loss. We know our child on a spiritual level which leaves us longing to be together more and more with each passing day. Others cannot possibly understand fully unless they, too, have experienced child loss. They think we're crazy. We know we're simply longing for our child. We miss our child so much that our hearts break just a little bit more each day!

Week 4 Club Scrap ALSB Challenge

These were taken when we were riding in Genoa Nebraska at HeadWorks. It was a fun day, Kurt, myself, Little Dawn, & Michael. It was such fun!! Good memories.

Weigh In Thursday

I missed blogging my weigh in from this past Thursday. Amazingly I lost another 2.2 pounds. Not sure how I did it, my eating was a little extreme. Must have been the exercise. I'm down by 24.4 pounds, just a smidgen away from my 25 pound charm. I hope this week is the week.

I was very, very sick yesterday. I'm back at work today, I'm feeling much better. I hate daylight savings time in the spring. I love sleep, thus I hate missing any. Morning comes way to early....

Well, that's about it. I'm going to edit my photos of this weeks layout for the Club Scrap challenge, then get those posted yet today, too.

Little Triumph

This weekend was one that tried my ability to stay within my point allotment. On Sunday, I went with a friend to Omaha. We were shopping for her wedding flowers. One the way home, we stopped at Applebee's. Although Applebee's is very WW friendly, I opted to choose one of my old favorites, as well as the Queso Blanca Dip. It was delish!! But part way through dinner, my friends daughter said to me, "I thought you were on a diet". Well, she's right. I am. But that does not mean that I have to eat a certain way all of the time. It doesn't mean I can't splurge now and again. It doesn't mean that I'm only going to eat things that are what people normally associate with "dieting". At first I was taken aback by her comments. But, then it started me thinking more. People have a preconceived notion of what "dieting" entails. You can only eat this and this. Or you fail. In my opinion, that is why almost all diets fail. You don't allow for living. For eating and making the higher caloric/points foods work into your life. Like I told that girl last night, I don't eat like this all the time. Most of the time it's a lot of chicken, turkey, and tons and tons of fruits and vegetables. There are times when I don't eat any meat all day. There are times I don't eat bread. It just figures into our chosen meals for the day. I've had days where I ate no meals, just snacks. One thing, though, that HAS changed, and I NEVER thought it would, is cheese. I don't eat nearly as much cheese as I used to. I don't eat it on vegetables anymore. No cheese on burgers or sandwiches. I cut way way back, and before I knew it, I'd really cut back. I still have low cal string cheese, laughing cow cheese. But just a bit at a time. I've noticed a little more energy. It's hard to describe, because it's not like I'm peppy. I'm still tired most of the time. But when I get up to do something, it's not near the chore. And I can jump up instead of limping in. All these changes with only 22.2 pounds lost so far. I'm feeling more positive and confident that I can do this.

Feelings: Empowered, strong, positive, eager
Stephen: I'm coping today.
Diet: It's working
Friends: Things are going good.
Meetings: Only missed one and that was due to work.

Weigh in February 27th

My weigh in was fabulous yesterday. I'm down another 2.2 pounds for a running total of 22.2 pounds lost so far. Just under 8 pounds to where I was a year ago, and then to make progress from there....

What I did different this week - I exercised more, a lot more. I had a bad time with my eating and bingeing that I pretty much had to work out more in order to keep from gaining weight. So far, the past couple of days I have gotten myself back into my regular routine.

Stephen - I miss him. I think I say that every time, but it still holds just as true today as it has every other day. His presence is sensed, and missed. My husband had a break down last night, for me it was the night before. I was working on this week's scrapbooking challenge layout and ran across a picture that really got me. It was from his twelfth birthday. Oh the memories. He got his "stereo". I had also gotten him a couple of Cd's of his own since he didn't have any yet. Well, not having much of a clue, I bought him a South Park CD, thinking that he would really like it. So, when my husband called for me to come upstairs and listen to it, I was shocked to say the least. And it has to be bad for my husband even to think it is inappropriate. So we listened to snippets of it, I explained to Stephen he couldn't have the CD even though I had just given it to him, but I would replace it with two Cd's of his choice just as soon as we went to the store. In the end, he came out better.

Thoughts -  it's too cold. I've been quite tired. I was nervous yesterday about something involving work. Today I found out I was nervous for no reason. Husband and I had a minor spat last night. I'm looking forward to having the entire weekend off.

Here is a sneak preview of the layout I am currently working on, it's definitely a work in progress. The finished layout should be up by tomorrow evening.

She Has THE DRESS

After shopping with my friend, Crystal, and her mother - sister - and soon to be stepdaughter, I can say, she found "The Dress". The dress is quite stunning on her, and to think she almost didn't try it because she didn't like it on the hanger. I convinced her to try it on anyhow, sometimes things look completely different on the hangers than they do on a person. I am glad she listened. She will be a stunning bride. And it really didn't take all that long for her to decide on a dress. It was much quicker than with Kristin.  Next stop - flowers & decorations. This next Sunday we go to conquer that one, at least a bit of it.

My diet just went to heck and back. I'm out of weekly points, I've used some of my activity points. I will have to continue to work out if I'm going t be able to eat. Boy am I tired today. I went to bed relatively early last night. My eyes are so heavy today. I still think grownups should have naptime too!!

Diet Fail

Wow, what an epic "bad" weekend it has been. My eating got out of control Friday, Saturday, and already part of today. Friday I let myself get too hungry, that triggered eating too much, bad choices. Then later I was upset with my husband, again eating and bad choices. Then we went out on Saturday. I was craving Dickey's, so that's where we went. I used up all of my daily points as well as some weekly points on their smallest brisket sandwich and the small potatoes and mac & cheese. Crazy! Then last night I made better choices, but thanks to my earlier meal, everything I ate just compounded the daily disaster. Today, I had breakfast like I should. But I got so very, very tired. And thus I've inhaled a package of Little Debbie Nutty Bars, a Little Debbie Brownie, and a package of Cheez-Its. It's nearly 2 hours yet until lunch time!! Oh good Lord stop me before I fall headfirst into the pit.

One Last One Real Quick Tonight

I'm going to add one last entry before I close out for the night. This layout is of the Rich & Opfer families. Most of the photos were taken in the 80's to early 90's. Many of the people pictured are no longer with us. Enjoy!

Left Page, L-R, Top Row,Herbert Opfer, Edna Wurst Opfer, Ross-Dale-Herbert-Kurt, Louis Rich, Norena Epke Rich. Bottom Row, Edna, Herbert, Stephen-Norena-Louis, Ross-Linda-Kurt-Dawn, Norena, Louis
Right Page, Top photo Edna, Ross, Krisitn, Linda, Stpehen, Norena, Dawn, Dale, Pat, Louis, Kurt. Bottom photo, Jean Opfer Janzen-Herbert-Dale. Top to bottom, Patricia Ann Rich Opfer, Dale, Ross, Dale, Pat

Alea Is Three

While I"m at it, I have two layouts from Alea's birthday party last November. She had a great party - her parents got her a bouncy house, and all her friends and cousins came to share the day and play. It was a lot of fun for all the little kiddos.

Club Scrap Boot Camp Week 2, Torn Paper

This weeks theme for the challenge is torn paper. I've gotta tell you, the ClubScrap paper is very difficult to tear. It is some really strong paper. In this layout, all of the paper except for the pink is ClubScrap paper. I ended up having to pull some lighter weight paper from my stash to finish the layout. I added the photos before entering only because I thought it would  look stupid with two empty pink circles. The stamps and stencils used are from ClubScrap as well. The papers and stamps came from the Spring 2013 kit. This layout took me longer than last weeks. Tearing paper and making it look good isn't as easy as you might think!!
Wish me luck!!

AWOL this past week

Crazy, but for some reason I always ran out of time before I got here. This week was full of ups and downs. I was a little nervous about weigh in, but did feel that it would go well. Which, it did. I lost 3 pounds as of Thursday's weigh-in. That brings me to a total loss of 19.8. Not quite 20, hopefully next week I'll hit that mark.
One change I did make was exercise. I either walked on the treadmill or rode the stationary bike every night that I went straight home from work. If I have to stop anywhere, I didn't work out. So, that means, tonight it's back on the treadmill!  My knees didn't hurt as bad as I anticipated, which is a good thing.
My treadmill went crazy the last time I used it. All of a sudden the display started doing things, flickering, numbers changing, and the speed of the belt fluctuated (on it's own). I have to say, I honestly have not tried to tackle it since then, I was on the bike the rest of the week. I'm going to give it another try tonight. I hope it behaves.
My eating is in the high point range this weekend. We had biscuits and gravy yesterday (leftover for lunch today, too). I thought the stats would come out better than they did since we used turkey sausage, 1% milk, and low fat biscuits. Even so, the end result was 11 points. Wow. But, it was a delicious 11 points. Today when I have that for lunch, that will be the only leftovers. So back to other foods. We also made a lasagna last night. Kurt found a recipe for "pizza lasagna". From what I can tell, it's lasagna - but with pepperoni (turkey of course) and mushrooms. It was very tasty. Mmmm...........
My husband has lost his first 20 pounds. Yay, way to go Kurt!!
Feelings & emotions: Tired, enthusiastic, I can do this, empowered
Thoughts: Stephen is cheering me on from up above.

Christmas Layout

I finished this layout of the kids' Christmas a couple nights ago. Finally got it photographed today. What do you think?? I want to add the year in white lettering on the left top corner of the right page, but I am unsure of the date. I THINK it was 1999. But I'm not 100%v sure and I don't want to "commit" to it until I am sure. Enjoy!

My Entry

Well, I did it, my very first entry into a scrapbooking contest. I hope my entry at least fits in!! Wish me luck.

My First Entry, Club Scrap ALSB Boot Camp

02/10/14 Scrapbook.com Challenge

I almost have my layout finished for this weeks ClubScrap's ALSB challenge. This week it is featuring metallics. I don't have much as far a metallic papers go, so I am using embossing powders and brads to add the metallic elements. I have the layout finished. All I have left to do is put the brads in, then photograph it. We'll see how good I am :)

Eating is going good so far today, and it was good yesterday. I even cooked for  myself since hubby wasn't home. I tried out the new 9.5" wok. Wowza, that thing really heats up. I got it a little too hot - but considering how rusty I am, my dinner was dang good. I had stir fried chicken and broccoli slaw with some brown rice. Today so far I had my usual egg sandwich (1 egg, 2 pc light bread, 1 tb light butter = 6pts), for lunch I had WW Chicken Quesadilla with 2/3 cup peas - I sprinkled a wee bit of Parmesan on the peas. I attempted to eat my sliced apples for a snack - but I couldn't stop thinking I could taste mold. They weren't spoiled, but I kept getting that weird feeling, so I threw the entire package away. So, to replace it, I ate 2/3 cup peaches canned in water (NS) and 2 T SF Cool Whip. So good! Yummy.

I exercised again last night. Yep, I did that horrid E word. It didn't kill me again, so I guess maybe I could try again when I get home tonight.

Feelings: bored, tired, tired of sitting, I feel like I need to get up and move around more.

Stephen: Missing him, thought about him a lot last night. Today is ok so far though.

I finished one book, "Hush", and have started a new book "Seven Eight, Gonna Stay Up Late". It's off to a good start. The main character is a whack job, that's for sure!!!  Well, I'm going to follow through with what I was saying and get up and move around a little bit.

02/07/14 Post Weigh IN

Well, as predicted, my weigh in did not go well. I gained 0.4 pounds. I was really bummed out during the meeting. I just kind of sat there and pouted the whole time. Went home, ate dinner, and decided to put it behind me. Today is a new day, and I cannot change the past. Pull up my britches and move on.

Feelings: defeated, ueless, hopefull, tired
Thoughts: just remember why I started, it's do or die

02/06/14 Weigh in day & Who Am I?

Today is my weekly weigh in. I sound just like I did last week. I hope I lost something. No matter how small, I just want a loss! The scale at home shows no loss, maybe even a little bit of a gain. I exercised for the first time since before Stephen's death. Behold - it did NOT kill me! I lived to blog about it. I need to make a habit out of it again, though. For some reason, I fear the scale today. I feel good. My clothes fit great. I feel thinner than I look - I am still stunned when I see my reflection. I don't always know who that is. Which is a good impression of how I feel about myself a lot of the time. Who am I? When I meet someone new, it seems that I am the kids' mom, or the babies' grandma, Kurt's wife, the dispatcher, the jailer, always something. But who am I really?? I remember trying to answer that question in therapy a few years back. It's really a hard question. I love to create. Greeting cards, scrap-booking, painting, drawing, "coloring" (stamping), riding atv's. I'd love to get to a place that I could go hiking. But, my husband is not a hiking fan. Riding atv's is very rewarding. You can go out in the back-country and see things you never would otherwise. Like eavesdropping on animals in their natural habitat, doing the things that they do while not feeling threatened. Camping is also good, thankfully my husband does like to camp. Especially if we are near electricity (hey - what do you expect, he's not a mountain man type). Who else am I?? I am responsible, honest, reliable, lazy (yep, I'm lazy). I am not good at domestic chores such as housekeeping, laundry, dishes. I enjoy reading, playing games on my phone or Kindle. I spend too much time on Facebook. Hmm.. All of that put together is a part of me. I am shy, almost to a fault. I come across as a real "B", but I'm not really. It's just so hard for me to get to know people.
So, back to it being weigh in day. It is so nerve wracking. The moment of truth..... So until after weigh in, fingers crossed!!!

Brr...... It's definitely cold outside!

It's supposed to snow, 4-5 inches are predicted. And for that I am grateful, since areas around here a looking at much, much more,. I happen to be one of the few people who really likes snow. Winter is my favorite season. It stems from having serious allergy problems my entire life. Winter is the time I breathe the best, feel the best. I'm at work, watching the snow roll in from the south, it's made it up here already, but what is yet to come?
Yesterday my daughter sent me an audio clip. It was a song off of a CD I had given Stephen for his 12th birthday. South Park. The song made me laugh so hard, then I started crying. The memories just do that to me. Even happy memories can make me cry. I miss him so very much. Most of the time I fake it fine, but actually, I am OK. I'm not whole - I never will be having lost one of my children, but I am OK. I'm alright with losing Stephen, but I'm at peace with myself with it at the moment.
We are getting all of his W2's for taxes. I wonder what we are supposed to do with them. Is he supposed to file? Kind of messed up. It's some of the strange unexpected things we deal with. Things that you never give another thought to.
I ate a bit too much Sunday & Monday. Sunday, I just couldn't stay out of the Queso dip Kristin made. It was so, so good. Plus the brisket Kurt made was out of this world. And of course, birthday cake. What kind of Grandma would pass up birthday cake?? Thye is now 5. Those boys are growing so danged fast. This fall they will be starting school already. Crazy! Yesterday I watched my points rather well, but I decided to use a couple of my weekly points to have some ice cream. I must say, 1/2 a cup isn't very much, but it was surprisingly fulfilling. It hit that sweet spot, and it was enough. Of course, it does help that it was Haagen Daz.
The scale at home is showing no weight loss at all. It was the same way last week, and the WW meeting scale sure did surprise me!!
Thoughts & Feelings: Excited, happy, sad, eager, and a little bit lonely.
Diet: Not the best week so far, but I'm still pleased with how I am doing overall.
Exercise: Still not doing it. I know, I know, for maximum effect, and good health I need to get to it. How does "tomorrow" sound??

01/31/14 Post Weigh In

I went to my WW meeting last night thinking I didn't lose any weight at all. I had a couple of bad days, nutrition, and my home scale didn't show a loss. So, imagine my surprise when I got on the scale and found out I lost 5.4 pounds! Crazy!
Feelings: Happy, proud. I feel that I still lost weight due to taking a more active approach to daily activity. I'm not yet exercising. But I am taking the stairs instead of elevators, the little things like that. Walking around more when I take the dogs outside.
Stephen: I went to the cemetery on Monday. It was sad, but not as bad as in the past. Another lady in the courthouse I work in lost her son over the weekend, a car/train accident. He was also 24. It really hits home. I can empathize with her, and that is what compelled me to visit Stephen's crash site and headstone. I miss him so much.
Weekend: Superbowl Sunday - what to say, I'm sure it will be interesting. Spending at my daughter's house. My grandson Thye is celebrating his fifth birthday. I'm sure I will eat way too much!!!
Trey is coming tomorrow and staying until Monday morning. It will be fun! He is so much like his daddy, and he has a lot of his mom's traits too. I see Stephen in him when I talk to him. It's precious.
This week I  have had to battle cravings more than usual. Chocolate is not the enemy, oh wait, yes it is!!

The photo is of myself and Trey this past summer.

01/29/2014 Ooops

Had a great time at ScrapFest with my daughter this past weekend. Time just slipped away. I meant to blog, but wow, this week is going to fast. I'm having problems with feeling hungry this week. Seems like that's all I want to do, eat - eat - eat. And not the good for me kinds of things. Wanted chocolate SO BAD. But, this morning I found that I forgot to apply a new hormone patch Monday. That could have something to do with it. I'm going to leave you with the word "Inspiration". What inspires you? I'm going to think through this, really think through - and see what I can come up with.

01/22/2014

Back to work after a day off. Shouldn't I feel more refreshed? I wonder if I will ever know what it's like to NOT feel tired most of the time. Today & yesterday have been full of good choices (diet). Yesterday was a pretty lazy day, although I am pretty lazy all the time. That's part of my problem. I need to get up and do more. I keep saying as soon as it doesn't hurt so much again i will. Already though I can stand a little longer before my back starts to hurt. I can do little things easier. Maybe it's a mindset, maybe it's real. I don't care which it is, it's working and so I'm not going to mess with it.
I watched "My 600 Pound Life" last night. This episode featured a lady named Penny. I found myself getting angry with her. She has all these tools and support at her disposal, yet she had such a poor attitude. It felt as if she wanted to have the gastric bypass surgery, then wake-up and all her weight would be gone and her problems float away. That's not the way it works. She could make an effort. And her husband, sneaking food to her in the hospital?? That's just wrong.
Attitude: Pretty good actually.
Feelings: positive. Tomorrow is weigh in and I sure do hope the scale is kind. I hope I've done the proper things. I know it's a process, and it takes time. I've let myself down so many times before that it is hard to be confident. I need to remind myself, "do or die, do or die".
Work: Going pretty well. The jail only has a few inmates left, I'm sure that once it warms up it will fill up again. Seems like when it gets hot the tempers do too. Dispatching has been rewarding. I talked with an elderly lady the other day while she was waiting for help to arrive, she was trapped in her vehicle after a roll-over accident, and came away with some knee pain is all. Calls like that make me feel like what we do makes a difference.
Stephen: I'm sure missing him. Kurt is planning his birthday party, and Stephen was so looking forward to that. Also, talking to Trey's mom, trying to figure out visitation for February and March. I am thankful she works with us and has been generous with the time we get to see him.

Photo of myself with Hailo

01/20/2014 Today - not so great

WTF got into me. I ate and ate, and I'm still hungry. I'm over on points, and have not had a proper dinner yet. I'm still good as far as the weekly 49 go, I will have to use some of them for dinner. Wow. Marie Callendar came out with a single size chocolate cake, with frosting. It is delicious. I could just eat the frosting, actually. So good. And then I started logging all the bites and little bit here and there I ate today. Before I knew it, my points were gone. Not a good day, I would say.
Feelings: Happy I caught on to what I was doing so I could stop the binge before it got worse. Angry with myself for having the binge in the first place. Tired, as usual.  Lonely.
Work: Going well. Working again tonight, then have tomorrow off. Can't wait, want to just sleep, but I'm sure my bulldog, Cassie, won't let me. She has her own agenda on her own schedule.
Thoughts: Relieved Michael didn't freak out about how high his power bill was. He even paid me already.
Diet: well, as stated above, not so great today. But I'm picking up right here right now and not going to beat myself up about it. I am hungry, so I will have a salad as well as a cup of peaches.
Attitude: Strong, not defeated.
Stephen: More drama from the ladies in his life. Seems like they can't seem to leave each other alone. He's gone, and yet the drama continues.
Note to self - get in touch with Dani ref getting Trey for Thye b'day, Kurt b'day, and also for Zoo / Trey b'day.

01/19/2014

Today....... Back to work. One day weekends sure do go fast! I feel like I have eaten so much, though my points show that I have plenty left. Yesterday I ate butternut squash with spray "butter". That was so good, especially paired up with the meatballs (5 pts). So good!
I'm rather tired today. I'm also noticing that my vision isn't up to snuff. It's hard to read the computer screens. I made sure my glasses were clean, check. I checked my blood sugar, 131 so that's not it. Wonder what's up with that.
I should probably think of some better titles than today's date. But hmm,,,,,, what to say, what to say.
Feelings: bored, lonely, hungry
Exercise: none
Sticking to plan: excellent
Family: Sounds like everyone is doing good. If no news is good news that is. Haven't heard from my daughter in a couple of days. But that's just kind of how it goes. We will talk a lot, multiple times a day, then I won't hear anything for a week or more.
Scrapfest is coming up on Saturday. I'm getting excited. I hope I get a lot accomplished! If nothing else, it is time well spent with Kristin. No kids, no husbands. Just us and a bunch of other ladies with similar interests.

01/17/2014 Weigh in and then some

I had my second Weight Watchers meeting tonight. It was the first time in years and years I was anxious and excited to get on a scale. I wasn't let down, either. I lost 8.8 pounds. Great first week. I realize that the first few weeks are usually the honeymoon. But I am bound and determined to make it work this time. I am writing this blog, and not making it private - so I must triumph over this "disease: (obesity).
For lunch today, we ordered out. We do this a lot on Friday's. Since where I work we don't get breaks, well - let's say we have working breaks - we have to eat in between calls and crisis'. So when there are two of us, like most Friday's, we like to splurge a little. Today I had a turkey monterey sandwich. No sauces. And potato salad for a side. The potato salad was 8 points, the sandwich 7. Completely doable. In the future, when my point allotment is lower, the potato salad probably will no longer be an option. But, I do keep forgetting that I have the weekly 49 points that I can use. I did not use any of them last week. I keep thinking I'm saving them for something special, or a bad splurge day. Or I don't know what. It's like money in the bank. However, it does not carry over. What you do not use does not go into a savings account. That part kind of sucks, but I can see the rationale behind it. Talk about a binge that could set you back!! I definitely don't need any kind of set backs at all.
We ate out twice last week, and I still managed to make decent choices. Yay me!!
Feelings: I feel happy, tired, proud, frustrated. Go figure. I am happy I lost the weight. Happy with my choices lately. Proud of the progress I've been making. Tired from not getting enough sleep, or forgetting to wear my CPAP the past two nights. Frustrated with my husband. I'm not really sure why. On the flip side of the frustration, he is my biggest supporter. Making a huge effort to cook the kinds of things that I want to eat. Backing off on some of the cheese. Lightening up favorite dishes. Trying new lighter recipes he finds.

Since this blog is relatively new, I suppose I should write a bit about Stephen. Since I mention him and how his death has affected us all. On June 21st 2013, he went to a street dance in a town about 40 miles from home, about 20 miles from us. He had a designated driver lined up, his roommate. So, thinking his ride home was covered, he drank a lot of alcohol. Witnesses at the dance had differing stories. Some said he wasn't that bad, other's said he was falling down. They all agree that he told Josh he wanted to go just as soon as he finished his drink. So, Josh & his girlfriend thought they had enough time to sneak away before Stephen would be ready to leave. According to text messages, when Stephen went to his car, Josh was not there. Josh & his girlfriend decided to get high. This angered my son, he then got in his car and decided to drive himself. On his way home, he drove erratically, sometimes in the wrong lane. He then left the road, drove along the ditch on his side of the road, veering further into the ditch. At a point several hundred feet down from where he first left the road, he hit an embankment, causing his car to roll multiple times. landing upside down. The car then caught on fire. According to reports, the car was burning for quite a while before anyone saw it. When firefighters arrived, the car was fully engulfed. Once the fire was put out, they were unable to identify his car. In order to identify it, they had to cut it apart to get to any vin #'s. They were unable to identify my son's identity at the scene of the accident due to his body being too badly burned. When we were notified, the Sheriff and his Deputy told us that they weren't 100% sure it was our son yet, but based on the last registered owner of the cars vin #, and statements from witnesses at the dance and Stephen's roommate, they were 99% percent sure that it was him. They needed his dental information to send to the forensic lab to identify him. The county attorney said that she believed he was deceased before the fire started based on the fact that he had a very substantial head injury. But the autopsy report and death certificate came back as "thermal burns" as the primary, "smoke inhalation" the secondary causes of death.
York Man Dies in Fiery Crash
driver-who-died-in-fiery-crash-identified
after_york_county_crash_one_life_many_losses
http://www.yorknewstimes.com/news/victim-identified-in-fatality-accident/article_6dfae9de-dcd6-11e2-8f77-001a4bcf887a.html
http://www.yorknewstimes.com/family/obituaries/death-stephen-opfer-york-resident/article_110b6d28-dd55-11e2-8674-001a4bcf887a.html
One life, many losses

01/16/2014

Today.....
Weight Watchers meeting later today. First time anyone has ever heard me say I can't wait to weigh in. I'm very curious and excited to see how I did this week. I came in under points all week, except yesterday, but I used part of my weekly 49 for that. I've been finding it rather easy thus far. Not ready for the horrid E word yet (exercise).
Work: Going good. Had a problem yesterday, thought I made a pretty serious mistake. Went to my boss about it, told him what had happened. Called up to the court today, and lo and behold - I did it right, did NOT make the mistake I thought. Whoooo..... I need to learn to stop second guessing myself, and also to write down why I do something if it deviates from what the court documents appear to say.
Thoughts: I am very tired today. I did not sleep well at all last night. Woke up an hour early today to my bulldog, Cassie wanting to go out. She was literally pulling my hand. She had to go outside big time! Poor little girl. That set the tone for the day so far. Just tired, I have that feeling you get when you pull an all-nighter or get up way, way too early.
Feelings: Today I am feeling good about my weigh in. Concerned about my son's reaction when he hears how high his part of the electric bill is. Ours wasn't bad at all. We have an all electric house, and our power bill was just under $160. Not bad for winter in Nebraska. Michael's is over $200 more than ours. I guess it does pay to keep the thermostat turned way down after all.
I'm currently hungry for lunch. I have not had any snacks since breakfast, so I am SO ready for lunch!!

#Halftime America with Lee Brice

Picture Of Me

01/13/2014

Attitude today: Pretty good actually. Still holding my head up high. Feeling pretty good about life. Ran into a snag for a minute when looking through some photos.
Thoughts & feelings: Went through some memory cards to send some photos to Dad for editing. Accidentally ran across some photos of Stephen. He was so happy in those pictures. At first glance, I lost my breath. Then I had a couple tears. After that, I was able to smile and remember. But still a little sad.
Diet: Still doing rather good. Every time I notice that I am SO HUNGRY, I check my points, and see that I haven't eaten enough. So, a snack it is and I am happy again. I crunched down an entire cucumber cut into strips dipped into FF Ranch. Such a far cry from chips or candy. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to eat chips. But this will have to do now. It's a change. Until I get myself where I need to be, I do not need to deviate from my plans. I have often slipped back into old habits with that type of thought. One bite of this, a couple of these. That adds up to big problems eventually and then I fall off the wagon and just give up. Of course, I'm only a week or so in, so it's still easy to say. Right now, I feel like my mind really is where it needs to be.
Work: It's been a good day at work. Easy shift. Nothing too exciting. Looking forward to having tomorrow off, though.

01/12/2014

Today's thoughts:
Weight Watchers: is turning out to be more than I had hoped. I'm finding watching points so much easier than counting carbs, fat grams, calories, or anything else. I've been at or below my points all week. I just started this week, so it may be too soon to tell. But I feel good about this.
Stephen: My son Stephen died in a car accident June 21, 2013. I miss him more than anyone can imagine. Like his headstone says, "Death leaves a heartache that no one can heal, Love leaves a memory no on can steal".
Work: I'm filling in tonight and tomorrow night. I'm hoping that isn't a diet sabotage waiting to happen. I made it through the first round of cravings by eating a can of green beans. It doesn't sound to great on here, but it was very good. And, it's three servings of vegetables.
Personal Life: I watched a show about a lady who was nearly 600 pounds today. Watching her struggle and triumphs was very inspiring. And I could relate a lot to many many of the things she was saying.
Starting weight: 297.0