Wow, being married so long sure does have it's ups and downs. Not one to sugar coat things, tonight is one of those times you start to question yourself. Why did I do this, why didn't I do that. I should have done this, I never should have done that. My husband is still not dealing with the loss of our son. He seems to just pretend it didn't happen. I find that hurtful. Stephen deserves to be remembered, not blocked from people's minds. He lived. He existed. He made a difference. I get so tired of empty promises. I guess I'm still here because I never asked for those promises in the first place, and I didn't believe them when "he" made them. Living with someone who drinks away his problems, drinks to celebrate, drinks because he has company, drinks because he was out with so-and-so is such a challenge. Try to mention the word alcoholic and see what happens. Total denial. But, who am I to judge? There was a time when I drank too. There was a time when I would drink a case of beer every two days. The thing is that I stopped. I have tried to have a drink a time or two, but since Stephen's death - the alcohol just makes my stomach hurt. Before his death, I was almost not drinking anyhow. Only for the odd occasions. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be the martyr in this relationship. Sometimes I just feel like I'm the only one putting any effort into it.
The job hunt: It's not going too well. I put in applications all over. I've had 6 interviews so far, no new job yet. I did get my rejection from the DMV. I was bummed about that. I thought it could have been an interesting new life journey. I interviewed twice for a new dispatch position. The first interview went awesome, the second one - not as good. It will be 4 weeks Wednesday since I lost my job. My finances are starting to show the damage. Kurt hasn't had very many jobs either. He does seem to make me feel like it's up to me to keep us afloat. Why? Why is it my responsibility? Can't he step up and do what it takes to start paying bills too??
The weight loss: Now there's a real joke. I keep thinking I'm going to start working out tomorrow. Funny thing, and we all know it, tomorrow never comes.
Well - hasta lavista. Until next time - Dawn
Monday, May 11, 2015
Sunday, May 3, 2015
More Loss - Looking for a Triumph
Things have been weird for me lately. I lost my job on April 15th. I've been searching for a new job, but it's really different than it was 10 or so years ago when I was last out looking for a job. I have put in over 18 applications. So far I have been to two interviews. I have a second interview Monday, and new interviews on Monday and Thursday. Let's hope things turn themselves around for me.
My weight is all over the place. I just don't seem to care what I eat these days. I have seriously cut down on sweets, but I have increased other types of snacks, and not the fruits & vegetables kind.
On that note, does anyone know of a reasonably priced personal trainer who can help me get in shape so that I can pass pre-employment physicals and testings? The prison requires a stint at the training academy. The DMV requires getting in and out of Semi trucks (tractors), as well as lifting and carrying up to 50 pounds. The social work position I was contacted for needs the ability to carry a child up to 50 pounds or a car seat up and down stairs repeatedly. Whew, it tells me how complacent I was getting.
On a happy note, my job loss seems to have helped me and my BFF rekindle and add a little oomph back into our friendship. It's been really nice.
I'm going to leave you to watch a funny video, until next time:
My weight is all over the place. I just don't seem to care what I eat these days. I have seriously cut down on sweets, but I have increased other types of snacks, and not the fruits & vegetables kind.
On that note, does anyone know of a reasonably priced personal trainer who can help me get in shape so that I can pass pre-employment physicals and testings? The prison requires a stint at the training academy. The DMV requires getting in and out of Semi trucks (tractors), as well as lifting and carrying up to 50 pounds. The social work position I was contacted for needs the ability to carry a child up to 50 pounds or a car seat up and down stairs repeatedly. Whew, it tells me how complacent I was getting.
On a happy note, my job loss seems to have helped me and my BFF rekindle and add a little oomph back into our friendship. It's been really nice.
I'm going to leave you to watch a funny video, until next time:
Friday, August 15, 2014
Too Tired
I have been too tired lately. It's an ongoing, chronic problem lately. Driving is becoming a hazard. I get enough sleep, I'm even using my CPAP every night. But I still can't shake the tiredness that comes over me. My knees hurt. I'm sure that losing weight will fix them, but I can't seem to make the weight loss continue, no last. I keep thinking it's going to be different, but yet it never is.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Lost
I find myself feeling lost lately. I seem to be losing touch with my friends. I don't care much about my home life. I swear, if I didn't have the scrapbooking commitment, I would just go home and curl up every night. I just find I don't care about very much.
My friends aren't very supportive, but to be fair, I have not asked for their support. I guess I assume that they know I'm struggling, which is wrong, but dang it, do I really have to run around telling people "I'm a basket case, help me, my son died and I don't know what to do, where to go, who to talk to, where I can find some kind of comfort, do you even care?"?
One of my friends, I never received even a sympathy card. They came to the house for about 15 minutes the day he died. They came to the funeral. That's pretty much the extent of it. We have done different things this past year to honor Stephen, this friend has not supported any of it. We bought t-shirts, she didn't. It's ok not to buy a t-shirt, but she could have been at the walk. That was free. Sometimes just "showing up" is all that is needed.
Over the past year I have made new friends in ways I had not expected. These friends do not replace my "old friends", but they are special too. One of them in particular, has become very special. She has lifted me up in more ways than she could ever even begin to know.
On Stephen's birthday, Kristin & Michael gave me a giant frog. He is handmade, carved from a log. He's holding what I thought was a tablet, but it's a lily pad, on which is engraved "In Memory of Stephen Opfer". That is so sweet of them. And so very, very unexpected!
My friends aren't very supportive, but to be fair, I have not asked for their support. I guess I assume that they know I'm struggling, which is wrong, but dang it, do I really have to run around telling people "I'm a basket case, help me, my son died and I don't know what to do, where to go, who to talk to, where I can find some kind of comfort, do you even care?"?
One of my friends, I never received even a sympathy card. They came to the house for about 15 minutes the day he died. They came to the funeral. That's pretty much the extent of it. We have done different things this past year to honor Stephen, this friend has not supported any of it. We bought t-shirts, she didn't. It's ok not to buy a t-shirt, but she could have been at the walk. That was free. Sometimes just "showing up" is all that is needed.
Over the past year I have made new friends in ways I had not expected. These friends do not replace my "old friends", but they are special too. One of them in particular, has become very special. She has lifted me up in more ways than she could ever even begin to know.
On Stephen's birthday, Kristin & Michael gave me a giant frog. He is handmade, carved from a log. He's holding what I thought was a tablet, but it's a lily pad, on which is engraved "In Memory of Stephen Opfer". That is so sweet of them. And so very, very unexpected!
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Well, the weekend came and went. My friend got married, it was a pretty wedding, very country. She looked very happy. Everything came together well.
On the flip side, this was the one year anniversary of my son's death. I put it this way to my GTU group on June 22nd, "One year ago yesterday I lost my heart, one year ago today I found out." To e, that really sums up how I've been feeling.
The wedding was hard, but for more than one reason. I didn't feel like I fit in. Everything was ok, just a gentle reminder that I'm an outsider. It seemed like every time I turned around leading up to the big day, I had responsibility taken away. Every time I thought I had something to do, it was given to someone else. I am creative and artistic, but I never got much of a chance to use it. I think I am the bride's best friend, yet I was not in the wedding. I was asked, but it was put to me this way, "You don't want to be in the wedding do you?". My response was, "Well I guess not". I wonder why she didn't want me in it? It's been nagging at me ever since. But do I speak up, oh no, I just pout about it and keep it to myself. Instead of saying how I feel, I act like it doesn't affect me. But all these little things start to compound, and after a while, it just grows. Resentment and hurt feelings have no place in friendship. I was also hurt that the wedding was on the anniversary of my son's death. It was the single most worst day of my life when he died. The official date of death was June 21 at 1159pm, but to me, it's both days.
I have not weighed in or been to a meeting since the middle of May. Soon, I need to get myself back together.........
Enough for tonight, though.
On the flip side, this was the one year anniversary of my son's death. I put it this way to my GTU group on June 22nd, "One year ago yesterday I lost my heart, one year ago today I found out." To e, that really sums up how I've been feeling.
The wedding was hard, but for more than one reason. I didn't feel like I fit in. Everything was ok, just a gentle reminder that I'm an outsider. It seemed like every time I turned around leading up to the big day, I had responsibility taken away. Every time I thought I had something to do, it was given to someone else. I am creative and artistic, but I never got much of a chance to use it. I think I am the bride's best friend, yet I was not in the wedding. I was asked, but it was put to me this way, "You don't want to be in the wedding do you?". My response was, "Well I guess not". I wonder why she didn't want me in it? It's been nagging at me ever since. But do I speak up, oh no, I just pout about it and keep it to myself. Instead of saying how I feel, I act like it doesn't affect me. But all these little things start to compound, and after a while, it just grows. Resentment and hurt feelings have no place in friendship. I was also hurt that the wedding was on the anniversary of my son's death. It was the single most worst day of my life when he died. The official date of death was June 21 at 1159pm, but to me, it's both days.
I have not weighed in or been to a meeting since the middle of May. Soon, I need to get myself back together.........
Enough for tonight, though.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Time Lapse
I have not been to a WW meeting or a weigh in since the end of May. I'm just struggling to get by and survive this weekend. I plan to try to pull out of this depression and get back to life after this weekend. I hope I am strong enough. Stephen's death will be a year ago on Saturday. I miss him so much and it's about all I can handle. Also, one of my dearest friends is getting married Sunday. It's so confusing. I am happy for her, but I am so sad. Does that make sense? Probably not, but I know what I mean. My eating is completely out of control, my nails are beyond short - Jamberry probably can't even help them now! - my skin is breaking out, and I'm not sleeping well again. There's so much to do, but I can't seem to make myself do it.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Vacation Without Stephen
Wow, this is the second family vacation without Stephen.He is so much in our thoughts, and we have reminisced and talked about him a lot. His presence is missed deeply. He would really like this trip. The riding has been great, so has the scenery and the trip in general.
Of course, being on vacation added to exercise on a level I'm not used to has led to me being quite hungry at times. The food here has been great, I am so lucky to be married to an excellent chef - or is it unlucky since it always tastes so danged good?!
Tomorrow would be weigh in day, but since I am so far out here in "no man's land", it's not going to happen tomorrow. Next week I'll be back and also back into the old swing of things again.
It's beautiful here in Matewan, WV, but it so HOT between rains. It's hard to believe our vacation time here in West Virginia is coming to a close very soon, Friday morning. But it was so nice to get away and have the family with us.
Of course, being on vacation added to exercise on a level I'm not used to has led to me being quite hungry at times. The food here has been great, I am so lucky to be married to an excellent chef - or is it unlucky since it always tastes so danged good?!
Tomorrow would be weigh in day, but since I am so far out here in "no man's land", it's not going to happen tomorrow. Next week I'll be back and also back into the old swing of things again.
It's beautiful here in Matewan, WV, but it so HOT between rains. It's hard to believe our vacation time here in West Virginia is coming to a close very soon, Friday morning. But it was so nice to get away and have the family with us.
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