Well, the weekend came and went. My friend got married, it was a pretty wedding, very country. She looked very happy. Everything came together well.

On the flip side, this was the one year anniversary of my son's death. I put it this way to my GTU group on June 22nd, "One year ago yesterday I lost my heart, one year ago today I found out." To e, that really sums up how I've been feeling.

The wedding was hard, but for more than one reason. I didn't feel like I fit in. Everything was ok, just a gentle reminder that I'm an outsider. It seemed like every time I turned around leading up to the big day, I had responsibility taken away. Every time I thought I had something to do, it was given to someone else. I am creative and artistic, but I never got much of a chance to use it. I think I am the bride's best friend, yet I was not in the wedding. I was asked, but it was put to me this way, "You don't want to be in the wedding do you?". My response was, "Well I guess not".  I wonder why she didn't want me in it? It's been nagging at me ever since. But do I speak up, oh no, I just pout about it and keep it to myself. Instead of saying how I feel, I act like it doesn't affect me. But all these little things start to compound, and after a while, it just grows. Resentment and hurt feelings have no place in friendship. I was also hurt that the wedding was on the anniversary of my son's death. It was the single most worst day of my life when he died. The official date of death was June 21 at 1159pm, but to me, it's both days.

I have not weighed in or been to a meeting since the middle of May. Soon, I need to get myself back together.........

Enough for tonight, though.

Time Lapse

I have not been to a WW meeting or a weigh in since the end of May. I'm just struggling to get by and survive this weekend. I plan to try to pull out of this depression and get back to life after this weekend. I hope I am strong enough. Stephen's death will be a year ago on Saturday. I miss him so much and it's about all I can handle. Also, one of my dearest friends is getting married Sunday. It's so confusing. I am happy for her, but I am so sad. Does that make sense? Probably not, but I know what I mean. My eating is completely out of control, my nails are beyond short - Jamberry probably can't even help them now! - my skin is breaking out, and I'm not sleeping well again. There's so much to do, but I can't seem to make myself do it.

Vacation Without Stephen

Wow, this is the second family vacation without Stephen.He is so much in our thoughts, and we have reminisced and talked about him a lot. His presence is missed deeply. He would really like this trip. The riding has been great, so has the scenery and the trip in general.

Of course, being on vacation added to exercise on a level I'm not used to has led to me being quite hungry at times. The food here has been great, I am so lucky to be married to an excellent chef - or is it unlucky since it always tastes so danged good?!

Tomorrow would be weigh in day, but since I am so far out here in "no man's land", it's not going to happen tomorrow. Next week I'll be back and also back into the old swing of things again.

It's beautiful here in Matewan, WV, but it so HOT between rains. It's hard to believe our vacation time here in West Virginia is coming to a close very soon, Friday morning. But it was so nice to get away and have the family with us.