Seriously?

Wow, being married so long sure does have it's ups and downs. Not one to sugar coat things, tonight is one of those times you start to question yourself. Why did I do this, why didn't I do that. I should have done this, I never should have done that. My husband is still not dealing with the loss of our son. He seems to just pretend it didn't happen. I find that hurtful. Stephen deserves to be remembered, not blocked from people's minds. He lived. He existed. He made a difference.  I get so tired of empty promises. I guess I'm still here because I never asked for those promises in the first place, and I didn't believe them when "he" made them. Living with someone who drinks away his problems, drinks to celebrate, drinks because he has company, drinks because he was out with so-and-so is such a challenge. Try to mention the word alcoholic and see what happens. Total denial. But, who am I to judge? There was a time when I drank too. There was a time when I would drink a case of beer every two days. The thing is that I stopped. I have tried to have a drink a time or two, but since Stephen's death - the alcohol just makes my stomach hurt. Before his death, I was almost not drinking anyhow. Only for the odd occasions. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be the martyr in this relationship. Sometimes I just feel like I'm the only one putting any effort into it.

The job hunt: It's not going too well. I put in applications all over. I've had 6 interviews so far, no new job yet. I did get my rejection from the DMV. I was bummed about that. I thought it could have been an interesting new life journey.  I interviewed twice for a new dispatch position. The first interview went awesome, the second one - not as good. It will be 4 weeks Wednesday since I lost my job. My finances are starting to show the damage. Kurt hasn't had very many jobs either. He does seem to make me feel like it's up to me to keep us afloat. Why? Why is it my responsibility? Can't he step up and do what it takes to start paying bills too??

The weight loss:  Now there's a real joke. I keep thinking I'm going to start working out tomorrow. Funny thing, and we all know it, tomorrow never comes.

Well - hasta lavista. Until next time - Dawn